Soul’s Journey

I CRIED -Me against Me

I’ve had a constant battle with my weight.. It goes up and it goes down, more up than down. I think its difficult for outsiders to understand the struggle.. they say Just Stop Eating…. ermmm if it was that simple then well I wouldn’t be writing about it would I.

My job doesn’t require much moving about, at a desk with minimal movements, so since I started I’ve made more effort to walk, getting off a stop earlier and walking up and down the stairs.. yaye me.. its progress..

However, I remember looking at a recent picture of myself and I was shocked to see how big I have actually become.. I dont actually look in the mirror in the mornings when I get ready for work.. I dont know if I do this intentionally because Im scared of what I might see or whether its due to the fact that my mirror has broken and I dont feel the need too spend money on another one just yet…

But this made me think back to a time when I had plans to go out and I could never find anything to where, everything I had just made me feel like crap and I would always just cry….(this is also how the mirror broke lol)..

…………………………………………. 

Today I cried

As I looked in the mirror and she looked back

I cried

As I saw what she had become

I cried

As I saw the marks that would never disappear

I cried

After I saw the abuse from so many years 

I cried

As I searched through my wardobe for something to wear

I cried

As I put on my favourite top just for it to tear

I cried

As I listened to the taunts from those outside

I cried

As I listened to the lies from those close by

I cried 

As I realised that I am the answer and the cure 

I cried

As I realised I didnt think I could do it 

I cried 

As I looked back in the mirror and saw what looked back at me

I cried 

As I realised that I can do this if I really tried

I cried… but I also smiled… 

………………………………………………..

It has been an emotional journey and it doesnt help when your size 8-14 friends call themsleves fat but then tell you at size 22 that you look fine. It has to stop. 

I have been thinking  about different ways to approach my weight loss, I am no longer indulging in fad diets.. they work for the moment but there is no consistency. So just trying to take it slow with a healthier in take and more movement. I have now taken the first steps..
2lbs off… woo hoo…  

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The unconfident lawyer Part 1

She was seven when she first told her mom that she wanted to be the first black female Judge and lock away all the bad people…  fast forward to high school she loves Ally Mcbeal and wants to be part of Fish & Co… so she continues on her path.  she has achieved her GCSE’s enough to get into college but not quite good enough to do A Level law.. does the dream end here? Is it still her dream? She starts to doubt her abilities and therefore goes ahead and does alternative A – Levels… she starts to lose interest and scrapes through with good enough results to get into university, not necessarily the one she wants but she gets there anyway.. 


However, she doesnt do a law degree, she doesnt feel that she has the grades to make it, she is too scared to even question and therefore opts to do a Criminology degree… She hates it but she likes to finish what she started and therefore pushes on through and obtains her degree, she doesnt make many friends and finds it hard to socialise as she does not have the confidence…she proceeds to graduate and again her reesults are not great and now she is stuck at a crossroads.. Does she risk it anyway and pursue the career she always wanted… she contemplates changing her major to pshychology but decides against considering her life long ambition has been a legal one.. she proceeds with the conversion course.. 
She finishes her course, then proceeds to the next stage law school.. one final hurdle before she is let free into world that is legal all by herself…. 

She attends her first day and sees a girl that looks like her so she sits at the table and introduces herself a few others come to table, little did she know these would become her life long friends..

She starts to enjoy her course and new formed friendships and she completes her course and is ready for the next stage, the difficult stage (the training contract)  She tries to get work experience and is not successful straight away..she manages to get a little gig where she attends once a week for work experience, the struggle for her training contract continues. The job search is tireless and neverending with nothing coming out of anything. A friend encourages her to apply for a firm whrre she has recently obtained work, she gives it a go and is called for an interview. She doesnt do well and it is safe to say she doesnt get the job. However, a little while later she is offered an alternative role at the same firm, she figures it could be the way in and decides to take..

Herein begins the most confidence shattering part of her career to date. A greulling 5 years, which she found difficult and sometimes heartbreaking. Even though she made some great friends on a personal level it became emotionally and physically difficult. However,  with perseverance and her faith in God she managed to push through and achieve her goal, she became a qualified lawyer. 

It was at this time that she was dismissed from her role, she didnt even question why and was left newly qualified with no post qualified experience and felt like her career had come to an end… Her emotions were high and she contemplated quitting altogether. She searched continuously for work to no avail and then no longer contemplated quitting, she just did it..

Her dream came to an end and she pursued a role of  careworker. A complete change and just a temporary means as she has a wedding to pay for. She actually came to love her new role meeting and helping people, travelling all over which is what she always wanted to do. She became sucked in and a temporary job became permanent, the wedding had come and gone, why was she still here. She was too scared to consider going back she knew she had no chance. 

However, being away from home and her husband was starting to take its toll and she realised that if she wanted to start a family and settle down properly then she was going to have to get a 9-5.. 

She started her applications for lawyer roles but she also applied for lesser roles as she didnt think she had a chance after being  away for so long. She applied and applied and applied and she got rejection after rejection. She even applier for day care roles however she quickly realised the salary would not be sufficient.

She changed her CV and kept on applying, she started to get interviews which gave her a mini confidence boost however after 6 months she was still unemployer and starting to wonder if she had made a mistake in giving up in the first place. She became upset and regretted her decision.

She continued to pray on it and kept applying. She was encouraged by her husband and close friends and family. 

Her big break finally came and she was offered a job, not necessarily on her skill set but more so on her knowledge. However, this was just the news she needed to hear and she began the new chapter in her life.

She still often second guesses herself but is working on trying to be better…
To be continued…

DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND

I recently came across a letter I wrote many years ago.. Its crazy the things we think of at a young age.. but looking back, this letter sums me up perfectly… I probably should have showed this to my husband before he signed up for life loool.. but he is a gem and knows all of me..
Dear Future Husband

You need to understand that I’m not the easiest person to deal with. Somedays I am downright miserable and will make your life hell. There will be days when you will wonder why you promised to love and keep me till death do us part. 

I dont know why I am the way I am, its something im working out with God.

I will tell you a bit more about myself.

I  am organised when I need to be and I organise well. I live by a plan and seek for things to be in accordance with that plan, the majority of the time. I accept that sometimes things will hop out of sync, I dont like this and these are the times I will probably be at my worse. These are the times you will need to encourage me and try and help me to keep the faith, it wont be easy, I may break you down, just know its not intentional. 

More about me, im a control freak. I like to have a degree of control over most things and be aware of things, especially things to do with myself. I dont like surprises and I dont like conflict, thats not to say that we wont be in conflict from time to time. Its all love. 

First and foremost, I want a man that loves and has a relationship with God. I dont necessarily mean in church every Sunday, but understands the importance of God in my life and in a marriage. 

I want to be able to trust you with my everything. I’ve been cheated on and that hurts and I never want to feel like that again. I want to be comforted and I want to feel secure and safe. I just want to be loved.

I’ve always hoped for a marriage where there is equal contribution, I dont think I’ll be a traditional bride, dinner will not be on the table every day, the house wont be spotless everyday unless we both take part in that. Saying that, I dont like mess and so the house will be spotless everyday, however this is not to say you shouldn’t share in the responsibility of the housework. Its our house not my house. I dont like picking up after people, unless its a child. I dont want you to just expect that I will do things, I want you to be able to see that some thing needs to be done and just do it. I wouldnt mind if you cooked dinner now and again.

I liked to be wined and dined, who doesn’t. We should always try to keep things fresh, date nights are essential. Even though i dont like surprises, i do like a little bit of mystery and so it would always be nice to go to a place of your choice that you think we would enjoy. Or even a candle lit meal at home would be nice. I know im a tough faced girl, but I do like a bit of romance. I want to feel like a woman, i want to feel appreciated. I always say i dont like flowers, but I wouldnt turn them away if you did buy me some. I guess maybe the reason I dont like them is because no one has ever brought me any. 

I love chocolate and definetly eat too much of it. I also love watermelon and cant get enough. Maybe if you get both of them it will balance everything out and I won’t feel so bad about eating all the chocolate. 

I have always wanted a gentleman, someone who opens doors and makes me feel special and wanted as opposed to obligated. Maybe I do have a few old fashioned traits but hey I’m a phenomenal woman and should be treated phenomanally. 

I want you to make me feel special and appreciated. Im not a massive fan of PDA but as long as you claim me publically, is all I ask.

I want fun times, crazy times, life is too short to be serious all the time. Lets fart together, burp together just laugh together. I love to laugh. 

I cant guarentee that were going to have heated passionate sex everyday, thats just not realistic. I cant even guarentee once a week, I guess it just depends on what my body is feeling, but please dont make me feel bad about this. I think the way my body feels is down to how you treat me. Our everyday encounters serve as foreplay, so bare that in mind. I will do my best to meet your requirements and perform my wifely duties. 

One day I want to be a mother to our children, however I do not wish to be a mother to you. That is not my role, I will not pick up ur dirty boxers that u left on the bathroom floor, I will not clean out the bath after you have used it, I will not handle all your personal affairs. I expect you as a grown man to take charge and take responsibility, treat me like your wife, love me like your wife and be my husband .

Theres more, I want to go away as often as possible. I want to explore the world together, even small local holidays will be great. Whatever we do as long as we do it together. 

Communication is so important, if were away from each other we dont have to speak every day, Im not a big talker, however as long as you acknowledge me at some point throughout the day, whether it be a message, picture or any gesture. I will ensure to do the same. 

Women require a lot from a man unfortunately, but my future husband will be able to meet my requirements and more. 

There is so much more im sure, but I wont over do it. 

Let me tell you what I can offer you. I can offer you endless love and security. I feel strongly about the sanctity of marriage and can promise you that I will never stray. I would require the same of you. I am trustworthy and reliable (sounds like my CV), but I will be all you expect a modern day wife to be.

I am spontaneous, I will surprise you with gifts, just because. I will plan days out, surpise meals. I will surprise you with sexy lingerie and and a beautiful night of passion. I will be an excellent daughter in law, always respecting your parents and your family. Family is of the upmost importance to me and I would expect our families to be close. 

Our house will be clean, your body well nourished, your children well taken care of. 

I will always support you in your ventures, whatever you decide to do. I will always encourage you and do my best to help you achieve your goals and dreams. I desire ambition  and as long as you continue to be ambitious in your goals, I will continue to ease you on your journey. 

I am willing to sacrifice and compromise where necessary. I will be the wife that you desire and the wife that you need. 

I hope to be a good wife to a good husband. 

So whoever you  may be, this is me. Your probably thinking she is too demanding and expects to much. Damn right and clearly you are not the one for me. 

I know your out there somewhere and I will be here waiting for the moment we meet and begin our lives together for eternity. 

Lots of Love

Your future wife

The depths some people go to just to get ahead

(Check out the video here) https://youtu.be/RcbiGsDMmCM

It’s unfortunate the depths that people will go in order to be heard… 

This whole Ms Trump V Ms Obama speech ‘mix-up’… this a whole new depth for the Trump camp… yet no one will face any implications from this episode. 

I could write a while essay on this situation but figured I’d keep it brief. 

It just goes to show how valuable someone like Michelle Obama is and has been to the world of politics.  

Shame on you Ms Trump

Michelle Obama for President 
 

#dailypost  #michelleobama #depth #mockery 

Depth

Let us feast together

What is greater than when we feast together.

An empty belly is a hungry belly..

Its amazing when you come together with family and friends and the one common ground will always be food.

I remember the various occasions where there was food upon food, all different types of food and not a drop was ever left. No-one went home on an empty stomach and the elation that it brings is just euphoric.

I LOVE TO EAT!!!!

Let usย be together on this night

Lets us dance together under the sheer moonlight

Let us feast together and nourish our bodies

Let us laugh together create new stories

 

 

#dailypost #feast #food #love #family

Feast

Do You Drive?

deive

A….. B….. C…. D

Accelerate, Brake, Clutch, Drive….

They say driving is simple, yes I could agree… However, whilst I drive, I cannot pass my test. I have failed I think 6 times now, who know’s I’ve lost count (OK, its possibly 8). Nerves get the best of me in a test situation.

I don’t know if I have the drive to drive anymore? Lets work it out together?

Switch ON engine

Press the Clutch

Select Gear

Grab the biting point

Light pressure on the Acceleration

6 point check

Release hand brake

Last check

More Gas

And Off you GO!!

Seems right to ย me, so whats the issue?ย Driving is as complicated as life!!!

As I slowly master life, I am determined to get the drive to drive and finally pass my test.

Was this meant to be an encouraging post… MY BAD!!

#Daily Post #Drive

Drive